Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
