I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
