I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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