I skipped work to stalk him.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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