I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
