I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Small penises have feelings too.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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