Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
there is puke in my bra ... again
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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