Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
