Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
