if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So many bounce houses so little time
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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