Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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