are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
