If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
