we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
