Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
