I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
