I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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