He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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