Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
