I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
