1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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