i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
