you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Randomize
