I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
