My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It's Friday. Sex?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
