capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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