I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
