I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
