i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
