you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
