OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
