Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
