she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
