So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
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I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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