Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
