it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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