did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
