i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
