he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
