I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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