Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I need a beard to bite.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
