I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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