I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
