I am in a vortex of obligation.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
