Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
