i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
They took my balls.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
