At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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