I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
