I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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