I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
