Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
