alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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