How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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