who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
