they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
