He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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