It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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